Saturday, May 23, 2009

Waking Up



I woke up a few weeks ago. By woke up I mean, looked around my life and realized I had no idea how I got here. I look around my life as if it's foreign to me. I remember everything. My education, my family and friends, the dynamics of my current job as well as all past employment, but all my memories seem like a movie made of a strangers life. I've ignored my preferences, my feelings, my fears and my dreams for at least 10 years.
Born out of people pleasing and a hatred of conflict I became adept at being the person people wanted me to be. The problem comes when I can't hold the facade any longer and the relationships that I'd established come crumbing down in the face of bottled anger and resentment. I became bitter as I swallowed my needs in favor of other. Lost, confused and unfocused when my true self could not be repressed and the collision of me and the lie invaded the real word. Some were on the receiving end of what happens when compressed lies explode. Consequently I have few long term friendships and many failed romantic relationships. Frequently confusing being in love with the desire to give someone what they wanted from me.
David helped me surface, but anger and discomfort brought me totally awake. Strangely, I'm only angry with myself. I don't know when I chose to hide my true thoughts and feelings. I don't know when I constructed the mask I wore for so long I thought is was my true face. All I know is that I committed the worst kind of betrayal. I betrayed myself. It's an infectious betrayal. When you lie to yourself, you effectively lie to everyone you meet. I'm a liar in recovery, but I'm still a liar. I'm in the process of apologizing to all the people that I unknowingly buffaloed into believing that I was this different person. While desperately trying not to slip back into self destructive patterns. It's hard but I'm getting there so stay with me. I swear it gets better. Or at least I hope it does.


3 comments:

  1. Yo yo yo chickadee! Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone goes through this. I'm with you all the way and I love you! :)

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  2. I'm not trying to be hard on myself. It's just true. I didn't know what I was doing. But it still happened. I've got to admit it to finally be okay with it. Which I am.

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