Boy, I'm terrible at this blogging thing. I never seem to do it regularly. Alot like my journals. I wonder why I can't commit to journals. They help me, I know they do. I always feel better after I write. So why not just do it. I suppose it's like starting to exercise or quiting smoking. Something that is a habit tends to stay a habit and something thats not tends to stay that way too. Like the law of inertia.
Anyway I'm back and I'm off work and alone for a few days so I might really write. Let the rambling begin.......
I recall very few memories from my younger years. Lately, however, my memories as an adult are so vivid I can hardly tell the difference between them and reality. I'll be walking the line at the motor pool and suddenly, if only for a second, I see a familiar Korean street. I hear the mummer of a language I never really learned to understand. The smell and wet heat of the food vendor tents. I'm surrounded but vivid color and smiling people. Then in a flash the Korean street is gone. I'm left with beating sun, gray pavement and the stench of exhaust. Oklahoma is a stale wasteland in comparison to the crowded streets of Seoul. I would chock it up to simply missing that extraordinary experience, but it happens other times. Driving in the car I'll relive a 2 year gone fight I had with and old boyfriend. Isn't your memory suppose to get worse as you age. Mine seems to be getting uncomfortably better.
Maybe this is a symptom of my efforts to let go of past pain. The Korea thing might actually be me missing Korea, or Pittsburgh, or any where but here. I don't really like to bash places, cause I know to someone somewhere that place is home and perfect. But Oklahoma doesn't even bare a pasting resemblance to any home I've ever known. It's either too cold or too hot. The wind doesn't blow it hits you like you wronged it in a past life. Then there is the oh-so-fun Tornado season, and the gratuitous amount of bugs.
Home to me is temperate, mountainous, densely forested, and close to a major metropolitan area. Not sure I'll ever be truly happy anywhere else. And to cap all this off I have this to say.......
Try not to be so hard on yourself for not journaling. you're just going through a rough time and "anyplace but here" is always better when things are rolling down hill. If it's any consolation, I love you very much, and when I get to see you in july, I'll hug ya forever...!!! I miss you so much and think yer a special gem of a woman, I've seen you grow so much in the tender eight years I've know you and I couldn't be prouder of you.
ReplyDeleteKeep reminding yourself that you can't always feel up, because we're human and emotions get tired too. Sometimes they're just taking a short break. You wouldn't be any happier in PA than you are where your at hon. The ick times always come back, but then again, so do the better times. :D
Thank you! And I get it. I know. But, even when I'm happy Oklahoma still sucks. I'm not too bad off right now. But you'd have to be forced to live here to understand. Maybe thats it, I'm forced to live here. What might just be unpleasent weather has turned more sinister because I feel there is no escape?!
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