Ergh!

This writing thing is harder than I remember. But to be fair I haven't done it in so long. Now I have alot of stories in my head all clamoring for attention. It gets noisy and hard to focus. I am trying. I just keep throwing things down and hopefully something will emerge as the victorious one.

1st Sgt was wondering why I wasn't smiling this morning. I always smile in the morning. I'm a morning person and I love PT. But I didn't sleep well. I'm bored, unfocused and unorganized. A far cry from my normal and happy state of being. People keep leaving but things keep breaking. As if the trucks don't realized we are short on workers. *Pisha* I hate to see not mission capable vehicles. It upsets me cause generally It was a small problem not long ago, no one caught it and now its a big problem. I think my biggest issue is that I care too much. I have a deep down need to do my job really well. I just don't understand when others aren't the same way.

Well I'm going to work. I've had my coffee and I am bound and determined to make a dent in the crap pile! Wish me Luck!

Long Time No Write

Boy, I'm terrible at this blogging thing. I never seem to do it regularly. Alot like my journals. I wonder why I can't commit to journals. They help me, I know they do. I always feel better after I write. So why not just do it. I suppose it's like starting to exercise or quiting smoking. Something that is a habit tends to stay a habit and something thats not tends to stay that way too. Like the law of inertia.

Anyway I'm back and I'm off work and alone for a few days so I might really write. Let the rambling begin.......

I recall very few memories from my younger years. Lately, however, my memories as an adult are so vivid I can hardly tell the difference between them and reality. I'll be walking the line at the motor pool and suddenly, if only for a second, I see a familiar Korean street. I hear the mummer of a language I never really learned to understand. The smell and wet heat of the food vendor tents. I'm surrounded but vivid color and smiling people. Then in a flash the Korean street is gone. I'm left with beating sun, gray pavement and the stench of exhaust. Oklahoma is a stale wasteland in comparison to the crowded streets of Seoul. I would chock it up to simply missing that extraordinary experience, but it happens other times. Driving in the car I'll relive a 2 year gone fight I had with and old boyfriend. Isn't your memory suppose to get worse as you age. Mine seems to be getting uncomfortably better.

Maybe this is a symptom of my efforts to let go of past pain. The Korea thing might actually be me missing Korea, or Pittsburgh, or any where but here. I don't really like to bash places, cause I know to someone somewhere that place is home and perfect. But Oklahoma doesn't even bare a pasting resemblance to any home I've ever known. It's either too cold or too hot. The wind doesn't blow it hits you like you wronged it in a past life. Then there is the oh-so-fun Tornado season, and the gratuitous amount of bugs.

Home to me is temperate, mountainous, densely forested, and close to a major metropolitan area. Not sure I'll ever be truly happy anywhere else. And to cap all this off I have this to say.......

I'll Be Home For Christmas

I never thought I'd be so happy to take a 20 hour flight. I leave here so soon I can almost hear WYEP, Feel the crisp cool Pittsburgh air,Taste my Moms chicken soup, Smell the familar scent of home. I'm so happy to be going back to my own country. I'll be buying a newer car, decorating for Christmas with my family, taking the dogs to the park, eatting real home cooked meals. I'm so tired of pizza and burgers, and for Christ sake why the hell do these people always overcook pasta. TV all the TV here is last season, A movie without subtitles would be great. It's the little things of home that you miss. I'm so excited to go home, even though I love Korea it's still not home.

Summer Remembered

This is the Beach in Korea. The first time I've been to the beach in years. I was so happy to see the water. The post is a little late but a nice reminder of summer as the weather gets cooler.

Mountian Top Yoga

So Hard On ourselves

We are so eager as humans to find someone to love. We seek out friends, romantic partners, and crave family. We also tend to be very understanding of their mistakes. We bail our friends out of whatever trouble they find and say "what are friends for?". We'll tolerate short comings in our romantic partners, And the things we let our family members get away with are just extraordinary. However for some reason we can't manage to forgive ourselves for anything.

I am doing everything in my power to start forgiving myself for things. Especially the things I did to myself. I think to me, logically it should be easy to forgive myself because the only person I have to consult is me. It should be easy to love myself too, but for some reason it's not. I'm very hard on myself. Lots of people are hard on themselves. Why? What is accomplished by self loathing?

Nothing, nothing at all is accomplished by disliking yourself. Nothing save self destruction. So why do we do it? It's so illogical. At what point do we confuse taking responsibility for our mistakes with self punishment?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." -Eleanor Roosevelt. This is such a true statement and one of the more recognizable quotes of our culture. I'm making a pact with myself today not to give anyone, not even myself the permission to make me feel inferior. So there!

Gossip Guys

A friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend. It was coming for a while. All her friends new it, all his friends knew it. And yet when it finally happened people scrambled for the "why". People who had no business caring why they broke up. If it was their business they would know. I know, cause it's my friend, i.e. My business. However it isn't their business so no one told them. In the lack of credible information these guys (I work and hang with mostly men)constructed what they thought were plausible explanations.

My friend we'll call her Ann has, according to all summed rumors, been sleeping with the boss & sleeping with me(lots of confusion there). Her ex we'll call him Jeff has, according to all rumors, been sleeping around as well as being an alcoholic. I speak freely with both Ann and Jeff. None of these things are true and neither of them have said anything that would give them the impression that they were true.

So my questions begin.

If women are such gossips then why is the most male intensive environment I've ever been in also the most gossip intensive environment?