Friday, May 29, 2009

Monday, May 25, 2009

So Hard On ourselves

We are so eager as humans to find someone to love. We seek out friends, romantic partners, and crave family. We also tend to be very understanding of their mistakes. We bail our friends out of whatever trouble they find and say "what are friends for?". We'll tolerate short comings in our romantic partners, And the things we let our family members get away with are just extraordinary. However for some reason we can't manage to forgive ourselves for anything.

I am doing everything in my power to start forgiving myself for things. Especially the things I did to myself. I think to me, logically it should be easy to forgive myself because the only person I have to consult is me. It should be easy to love myself too, but for some reason it's not. I'm very hard on myself. Lots of people are hard on themselves. Why? What is accomplished by self loathing?

Nothing, nothing at all is accomplished by disliking yourself. Nothing save self destruction. So why do we do it? It's so illogical. At what point do we confuse taking responsibility for our mistakes with self punishment?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." -Eleanor Roosevelt. This is such a true statement and one of the more recognizable quotes of our culture. I'm making a pact with myself today not to give anyone, not even myself the permission to make me feel inferior. So there!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Gossip Guys

A friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend. It was coming for a while. All her friends new it, all his friends knew it. And yet when it finally happened people scrambled for the "why". People who had no business caring why they broke up. If it was their business they would know. I know, cause it's my friend, i.e. My business. However it isn't their business so no one told them. In the lack of credible information these guys (I work and hang with mostly men)constructed what they thought were plausible explanations.

My friend we'll call her Ann has, according to all summed rumors, been sleeping with the boss & sleeping with me(lots of confusion there). Her ex we'll call him Jeff has, according to all rumors, been sleeping around as well as being an alcoholic. I speak freely with both Ann and Jeff. None of these things are true and neither of them have said anything that would give them the impression that they were true.

So my questions begin.

If women are such gossips then why is the most male intensive environment I've ever been in also the most gossip intensive environment?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Waking Up

I woke up a few weeks ago. By woke up I mean, looked around my life and realized I had no idea how I got here. I look around my life as if it's foreign to me. I remember everything. My education, my family and friends, the dynamics of my current job as well as all past employment, but all my memories seem like a movie made of a strangers life. I've ignored my preferences, my feelings, my fears and my dreams for at least 10 years.
Born out of people pleasing and a hatred of conflict I became adept at being the person people wanted me to be. The problem comes when I can't hold the facade any longer and the relationships that I'd established come crumbing down in the face of bottled anger and resentment. I became bitter as I swallowed my needs in favor of other. Lost, confused and unfocused when my true self could not be repressed and the collision of me and the lie invaded the real word. Some were on the receiving end of what happens when compressed lies explode. Consequently I have few long term friendships and many failed romantic relationships. Frequently confusing being in love with the desire to give someone what they wanted from me.
David helped me surface, but anger and discomfort brought me totally awake. Strangely, I'm only angry with myself. I don't know when I chose to hide my true thoughts and feelings. I don't know when I constructed the mask I wore for so long I thought is was my true face. All I know is that I committed the worst kind of betrayal. I betrayed myself. It's an infectious betrayal. When you lie to yourself, you effectively lie to everyone you meet. I'm a liar in recovery, but I'm still a liar. I'm in the process of apologizing to all the people that I unknowingly buffaloed into believing that I was this different person. While desperately trying not to slip back into self destructive patterns. It's hard but I'm getting there so stay with me. I swear it gets better. Or at least I hope it does.


First of all this is me. Mac.